Self-Love: We Pay it A Lot of Lip Service, But What Is It Really?

Lately, I've been thinking about the idea of self-love. As a concept, self-love comes up a lot in my work and in my life. It's freaking everywhere! Our society is full of inspirational quotes about it, uplifting Instagram posts related to it, serene art images inspired by it. By the look of it, one would think that the US is fully of savvy self-love wizards who know exactly what it means to them and how to practice it in their lives. (If you are one of those savvy self-love wizards, I salute you!) 

In my work, when I ask clients what self-love means to them, their automatic response is that self-love is showing yourself love. Technically, that is 100% true. Self-love is showing yourself love. When I ask them what that means to them, they look at me like I'm being ridiculous. That's fair. I'm asking them to delve deeper into a concept that we all just supposed to know. 

At its root, what this reflexive answer says to me is that the mental health and wellness communities are not doing a good job of actually helping people explore their own ideas about self-love. We have the same shrug response that everyone else does, so we're perpetuating the myth that self-love is just this thing that we do, like breathing or thinking.

Well, tsk tsk to us.

Like most things, each person is going to have their own understanding of self-love. Some believe that it is a way for you to reconnect to who you were before you learned who you, "Should be." Others believe that self-love is showing yourself appreciation through actions. Still others believe that self-love is more akin to self-compassion. The important thing is to discover what you think! 

But how?

Let's break this down a bit further. 

In order to offer you a starting point, here's a definition that I've put together based on my work with women over the past few years:

Self-love is offering yourself the feelings that you deeply need in order to embrace your authentic self. 

Now, this may still seem floofy for people. 

(Cue the eye roll and the refrain: Feelings? Embracing your true self? Lauren, you are such a therapist.To which I say, fuck yes, I am.)

So here's a writing exercise to help you examine your idea of self-love:

Gather the materials you need to capture your ideas and find a space where you can be reflective. Ask yourself the following questions:

• Question to ask yourself: What are the feelings that I wish were most present in my life?(Alternatively: What are the feelings that I most deeply wish to feel about myself? What are the feelings that I see others embrace that I most wish I could?)
  • Example: Maybe you’re someone who has a hard time sharing your feelings with others. You definitely feel them. You meditate on them; you think a lot about them, but the idea of telling others about them makes you want to crawl into a hole. This protective reflex makes sense and can also be limiting and frustrating at times, so trust might be a feeling that you wish you had more of in your life. Generosity or grace might be others.
    • Action step: Take a moment to think more deeply about what these terms mean to you.
      • How will you know when these feelings are more present in your life?
      • Who is a person in your life who embodies one of these feelings? How do they do so?
• Question to ask yourself: How do others already offer these feelings to me?
  • Example: Maybe you’re a confidante for others. You know their deepest wishes and struggles. They tell you that they’re so lucky to have a trustworthy and caring friend like you.
• Question to ask yourself: How do I already offer these feelings to myself?
  • Example: Perhaps you’re someone who trusts yourself. You explore and know how you feel and why. You consistently show up for yourself by meeting your own needs and instituting boundaries as you wish to.    
• Question to ask yourself: How can I feel these feelings more often?
  • Example: Maybe you need to stop telling yourself that others don’t want to hear your struggles, and you need to start telling yourself that seeking support doesn’t make you weak. Perhaps you need to stop feeding the, “I’m fine,” reflex and start telling people how your life is really going.
    • Action step: Take a moment to dig more deeply into this idea.
      • What is one thing that I need to stop telling myself in order to do so?
      • What is one thing that I need to start telling myself in order to do so?
      • What is one thing that I need to stop doing in order to make that happen?
      • What is one thing that I need to start doing in order to make that happen?
• Question to ask yourself: What is one way that I can access one of these feelings over the next week?
  • Example: Over the next week, you could make it a point to answer honestly when one closer friend asks you how your day is. If you’re struggling with something, wishing that something were different, or just having a meh day, then you share that instead of answering with a general, “Good.”
    • Action step: Create a specific plan for following through.
      • Ways to do so: Make sure that your goal is realistic, schedule a time for it to happen, enlist a commitment buddy, limit the scope and amount of time needed for trying, purchase the things you need to make it happen, remind yourself that this is your first try and you will learn from the experience.
    • Action step: At the end of the week, check in with yourself:
      • What differences am I noticing?
      • How is my plan going?
      • What do I need to tweak in order to be even more successful?

I know that this looks nice and tidy in this blog post. Is self-love actually a simple thing to explore? No! This is a beginning point. Offer yourself multiple opportunities to engage with the activity. It is not a quick fix or an automatic shift. As you explore, you’ll have your own ideas and find ways that work better for you! What it does provide is the chance to really dig in and show ourselves some true acceptance, support, trust, and even love.

-          Lauren, HHT 

Meet Neena Buxani, Visual Artist Living Her Best Life

Everyone! Meet Neena Buxani, creator of vibrant, bold, beautiful art. She has had a nontraditional journey to becoming a professional, full time artist, and her love for this moment in her life shines through in her interview. Neena is definitely living her best life, and she has graciously shared her passion with us all. Hell. Yes! 

Tell me about yourself and what you do:

I am a visual artist. I attempt to create paintings that uplift the soul.  My artwork is an expression of a world I want to live in, where joy is a part of every moment. My portfolio is a combination of work that I create to satisfy my need for self-expression in addition to paintings created specifically for people’s homes and offices, interweaving their vision with mine.

What motivates you to do what you do?

It has been a lifelong dream of mine to be a professional artist, and I am truly lucky to have the opportunity to do just that.  My art’s purpose is to remind people to enjoy life and to be themselves. Life is too short to deny ourselves what makes us happy. In my experience, we are happiest when we are our true selves.

Tell me about a moment when you felt empowered:

I go through many moments when I don’t think I’m good enough, or when I feel like I might not be able to pull off a painting for a client. But when I hear the words, “Do what you feel is best, I trust you, you’re the artist”, then all of a sudden I feel like I can create anything. To me, when people believe in my craft, that’s empowering.

How do you get through periods of self-doubt?

I paint. I call my sister or my husband. I cry it out, and then I paint. Putting your artwork out there, whether it be at a show or on social media, is a scary thing to do. You’re essentially putting a piece of yourself on open display.  It’s easy to get caught up in people’s responses to your work and to compare yourself with the successes of other artists. Unfortunately, rejection is a part of everyday life for an artist. You need to stay focused on your goals and create, create, create. You can’t stop creating because you don’t feel good enough, because then you’ll never create. And isn’t it the whole point to do just that.

Who are the people that you look to for inspiration? What makes them stand out to you?

Strong women, like artists Ashley Longshore and Frida Kahlo, who are comfortable in their own skin. The women who don’t give a damn what anyone else thinks. The women who wear what they want and say what they think and who are forever growing in their own way. The women who make the people around them comfortable to be themselves too.

What do you want other women to know about self-acceptance and self-celebration?

It’s important to live an authentic life. Confidence is beautiful, and we should always celebrate who we are because we are all unique in our own way. We all have something special about us that we bring to the world. We all have the power to change people’s lives for the better if we are just strong enough to be ourselves.

Neena’s enthusiasm for creating is inspiring, and I’m so glad that I got to interview her! There were many great takeaways from this interview. It’s hard to pick one! Mine might be her idea to push through the moments of self-doubt and continue with your work. That is a REALLY tough thing to do, and it’s a great way to prove the negative self-chatter wrong. Uch, so good! Check out her work here. (I’m partial to her floral series, but far be it from me to limit your perusing! :))  

-  Lauren, HHT

Meet Katie Vitale, bad ass Producer of Issues for Your Tissues on KOOP Radio

Y'all, I was lucky enough to meet with Katie Vitale, bad ass producer of Issues for Your Tissues on KOOP Radio. If you are not familiar. this radio show is AMAZING! (Right now, you can catch it on KOOP Austin 91.7 Thursdays at 6pm.) Each week, Katie explores a topic related to women's health and reproductive justice. This is not an easy job in Texas, and Katie does it with passion. High five to you Madame! Her inspiring interview is below, and it is a must read!

Tell me about yourself and what you do:

Since graduating from UT 12 years ago, I’ve worked, advocated, and volunteered for women’s health and reproductive justice. In 2007 my radio show, Issues for Your Tissues, earned its spot on the KOOP Radio schedule. It’s been my not-so-secret joy to bring women’s health topics onto the air and out into the open. I produce, engineer, and host the show weekly, and serve on the board of KOOP Radio. In producing the show one of the many goals is for it to be a nexus for the reproductive justice community here in Austin and beyond. Many women contribute to this justice, and they all deserve a place to be recognized and to recognize each other.

What motivates you to do what you do?

The need for medically-accurate, direct honest talk about women’s health, sexual well-being, and reproductive justice has grown. There are a number of reasons leading to this growth. One contributing factor could be the reduction in comprehensive sex education among young adults in Texas; abstinence-only education leaves more questions than answers for young Texans. Another factor could be the increasing sexualization of pop culture. This isn’t to be necessarily lamented, but it spurs any number of conversations about sex that I can’t imagine having faced 15 years ago. Who ever thought we’d be wondering what “truffle butter” had to do with sex? It could probably be argued that more sexual health knowledge is leading to the rising sexuality in pop culture. Either way we need more medically-accurate information out there.

I love thinking about women listening to the show and then broaching these topics with people they might not have otherwise or delving deeper into these topics with their friends. The conversations we have break down the stigma shrouding these issues. Communication is key to health. Increasing health literacy, or the courage to advocate for your own healthcare, or the gumption to ask your partner for what you need is only possible when we feel empowered and equipped to take on what may feel risky at first. I hope Issues for Your Tissues equips and empowers its listeners to think about and then talk about things outside their comfort zones.

Tell me about a moment when you felt truly awesome:

One time I was out on the town with friends and met some friends of theirs. A woman from the group told me I looked very familiar to her, but I didn’t recognize her. Later in the evening she told me that I had been her counselor when she had her abortion years before. She told me that I had made the experience a positive one for her. That was meaningful for me because my goal in counseling was to give clear, supportive, and accurate information to women the day of their abortion. Normalizing the experience breaks down stigma and shame. She felt good enough about her experience that day to tell me and everyone in the group that night that she had had that abortion and it was positive. In my work there, I never really knew how close I had come to reaching that goal. Was I sex-positive enough? Did I sound at all judgmental? Could I have supported her by sharing the information differently? While all women are unique and I cannot definitively claim that I made all their lives better, knowing that I had done a good job of supporting her and normalizing her abortion made me feel successful. I reflect on this experience when I need to remind myself why I do what I do. I bet each of us have a story that can connect us to our purpose--even if we haven’t identified it yet.

How do you get through periods of self-doubt?

There are plenty of potential sources of self-doubt. Whether it’s something I have no control over or a situation I created for myself, some scheduled, regular self-care keeps me functional. This can be but is not limited to a massage once in a while. Whether taking time to read some fiction or a magazine, a weekend nap, a day without my cell phone, a long dinner with a friend, self-care isn’t relegated to the spa. All these activities that sustain us, but are not directly supporting our purpose are good self-care. Go to that movie, spend time on your playlist, or whatever it is to make your life richer [here’s the crucial part] without feeling guilty for it.

It’s really easy for me to look at my to-do list and become overwhelmed, doubtful of my capacity to do everything I tell myself I want to do. The most helpful thing for me to do, and it’s hard because you can get trapped in perfection paralysis, is to employ a little awareness, broaden my perspective, and remind myself of all of the things I have completed, accomplished, or checked off of that same list at another point in time. It’s not always the best motivator, but it really squashes the self-doubt. We’ve all done something that took tons of time and every one of our skills. Remember that thing. You did that.

What do you want other women to know about self-acceptance and self-celebration?

Too many times I’ve seen people get so down on themselves, berate themselves in ways they would never berate another living person. Let’s treat ourselves as we would treat our friends, speak to ourselves as we would to our besties. We cannot rely or wait for the validation from others to accept ourselves or expect anyone else to give us that which we won’t give ourselves.

There are so many wonderful truths in this interview. It's hard to narrow them down, but I will pick a few: 1. Pursue your passion even in tough political and social climates, 2. Recognize that your work has an impact on others, 3. Remember that skills gained from past successes can help tame perfectionism, 4. Talk to yourself like you would a best friend. Hell. Yes!

If you want help taming your inner perfectionist and connecting with your inner bad ass, check out my offerings for individual therapy. 

- Lauren, HHT

My Most Helpful, Advice-giving, Navigation-supporting Work of Last Year

I am a lucky therapist. Last year, I was invited to do quite a few amazing things, including co-host a body positivity workshop with Path Nutrition and contribute to a re-imagined, anxiety-themed, Candy Land game for Almost Real Things. I facilitated a workshop for Moms to help break the silence around parenting perfectionism. With Launch Wellness, I created an opportunity for other therapists to acknowledge how freaking hard it is to be a business person and a clinician simultaneously. I also interviewed several bad ass Austin women, including journalist Jessica Luther and comedian Maggie Maye. 

If I had to pick my most helpful, advice-giving, navigation-supporting piece of last year's work, I would choose guesting on the Help Wanted podcast to discuss vulnerability (i.e. the stuff that makes us go AH! ICK! UGH!) It was great to talk about such a blech-inspiring topic with smart, honest, funny women! They asked me insightful questions and challenged my therapist brain. I shared a bit of my experience with the icky parts of vulnerability, as well as helpful tips and tricks for how to deal with the blech. If you have ever thought, "Oh hell no, I am not sharing _______________ with anyone ever. Just the thought of it makes me want to run and hide and never leave my apartment," then this podcast is for you! Check it out here. 

- Lauren, HHT

(Metaphorically) Set Your To-do List on Fire

I have a recurring dream. In it, we all set our to-do lists on fire and frolic in the Zilker Park grass instead. We talk about all of the wonderful life experiences we have had thus far. We slowly drink iced tea and ponder how the wildflowers became so persistent in their growth. We give ourselves permission to swim in Barton Springs and to hug puppies. We hike the Greenbelt and revel in the fall weather. Later, we eat at one of the new Austin restaurants that are always popping up. We do not talk about what we accomplished that day, and we do not hive five one another for completing more tasks than we thought mortally possible. Instead, we talk about our deep, soulful wishes. We close the evening by playing music and dancing under the stars, reveling in our freedom. Our to-do lists have gone up in smoke, and there is no turning back.

Okay, how many of you completely missed the beautiful imagery of frolicking and dancing, because you were hyperventilating at the thought of your to-do list crumbling to ashes?

Take heart. Having worked with perfectionists for a few years, I recognize the beauty and the curse of the to-do list. The beauty is that it keeps you organized. It is a way to prioritize and manage your workload. It is a concrete way to measure your productivity. You get to triumphantly mark off your accomplishments. Getting through it can be a slight (major?) adrenaline rush. People high five you for completing your to-do list. All of those things are great. (Yay!)  

The challenge is when your to-do list becomes an overwhelming, life-squashing, fun-killing mechanism for your inner perfectionist critic to beat you down with. If you consistently think, "I can't go to ____________, or I can't do ___________. I stall have things on my to-do list. I always complete the day's list. I must complete the day's list. It's what I do. I FINISH MY TO-DO LIST NO MATTER WHAT," then you might want to rethink your relationship with your to-do list. It could be tipping into unhelpful territory. (Boo!) 

If and when you are ready, here are some helpful questions to ask yourself in order to help you tame your to-do list (or set it on fire, whichever you prefer). Use your responses as a guide to shift your relationship with your daily tasks:

• Can a human realistically complete everything on your list and take care of themselves at the same time? Is there anything on this list that could wait until tomorrow? Next week?
• Where is the pressure coming from to complete everything on your list NOW? What would you like to change about that? What feels possible to change?
• What will happen to you physically, emotionally, socially, financially, and spiritually if you do not finish everything on your list today? Is this picture accurate?
• What is one joyful thing that you could do with your day if you re-prioritized your tasks?
• Have you ever had a day when you abandoned your to-do list and chose to frolic instead? What did you need in order to get into that head space? How could you get back there?
• What meaning have you associated with completing the items on your list? Do you want to keep feeding that story? What is one thing that you could do in order to step away from that myth?
• What do you need to start doing in order to make it possible to tame your to-do list? What do you need to stop doing? What is necessary for those to happen?
• What can you tell yourself in order to soothe the to-do list monster when it raises its ugly head?
• If you feel comfortable involving others in the process, how could the people in your life help you? How could you ask them for support?
• What sorts of reminders could you keep around in order to support yourself in this change? A quote? A song? A drawing? A scent?

I will close with a therapisty piece of advice if you choose to accept this quest: Remember that changing your relationship with your to-do list is a process. Some days are going to go more smoothly than others. Some tools will be more helpful than others. The important thing is that you recognize the issue and are trying to live differently. 

If you want extra support around this, set up a therapy consultation session with me. 

Lauren

An Interview with Maggie Maye, Hilarious and Bad Ass Comedian

This month, I got to interview Maggie Maye, a hilarious, bad ass comedian. I first met Maggie at a Texas Women in Business conference where she spoke about her evolution as a comedian over several years. Her ability to move between light humor and honest vulnerability spoke to her skill of the craft; she made the audience laugh and cry at the same time. I knew that I HAD to interview her, and I am so glad that she agreed!   

Tell me about yourself and what you do:

I’m Maggie Maye. Long story: I’m a stand up comic, improviser, sketch performer, writer, lover of the Oxford comma, and actress. Short story: I’m a comedian.

What motivates you to do what you do?

I’m motivated to do this because it’s what I’ve always wanted to do. Making people laugh is the best thing in the world and I genuinely love doing it.

Tell me about how your self-image has changed throughout your comedy career:

Experience has made it so that I no longer just feign confidence on stage. I’m able to see myself as capable because the experiences I’ve gone through have proven it.

How do you get through periods of self-doubt?

In periods of self-doubt I make myself keep working. It can be really toxic to allow yourself to be incapacitated by those feelings, so I continue to put in the work. I remind myself that I am talented and competent, regardless of how I feel. I like reading mantras and inspiring stories because in addition to encouraging me they remind me that I am not the only one who goes through those feelings, and that others have pushed through and become better. I also try to keep in mind that these feelings are temporary, and use prayer and meditation help me to center myself.

What do you want other women to know about self-acceptance?

Self-acceptance is something you always deserve. It doesn’t mean you’re perfect, it means you are worthy of love as you are. It doesn’t mean you’re complacent. It means in your journey to become a better version of yourself, you give yourself a break when you commit a human error. It's not vanity or a crutch; it is self-care. I encourage you to not only accept yourself, but to love yourself. You deserve it.

I love that Maggie speaks to her shift in self-perspective as capable with comedy. The idea that this image can change is key. We are not stagnant people; we are always evolving. Our experiences can help us recognize how strong we have become and how capable we are. That self-reflection is an amazing thing! Thank you for reminding us of this Maggie! If you would like to learn more about Maggie Maye’s work, you can check out her website here.

If you need help connecting to your inner strength, you can check out my services for individual therapy here.  

Why I named my practice Hope and Humor Therapy

Over the past few months, several people have asked me why I named my practice Hope and Humor Therapy. Oftentimes others are taken aback by the name; they will ask me to repeat it once or twice. I am guessing that they expected it to be more straightforward or speak just to the pain and suffering of clients. Those things just don’t happen to fit my perspective on therapy. 

I chose Hope and Humor, because I think that those are the things that get us through the rough stuff, and they create space for joy in the therapeutic work. To me, hope is your belief that things can change. Perhaps you need me to hold the hope for you every once in awhile. Maybe you don’t know how or what needs to change in the moment, but you believe that a shift can happen. You know that your soul wants to sing a different tune.

Humor is your ability to see the lighter side of the darker moments. You won’t see it all of the time; otherwise, it wouldn’t be a tough time. Perhaps just for a second you can catch a glimpse of the lighter side. Something unexpectedly catches you as funny, or you specifically take a moment to watch a hilarious cat video. Whatever it may be, these moments break up the “blech” feeling that can envelop you during a hard time.

Both of these are key to therapeutic work. You have to believe that you can change, and you have to hold onto light moments while you change. Trying new things, creating new ways of thinking, letting go of old patterns, all of these are required in therapy, and all of these can really suck sometimes. These skills are brand new to you, and you aren’t going to be good at them at first. In fact, you might be downright horrible at them. That’s okay! Your hope, your humor, your resiliency, and our work together will get you through.

The name Hope and Humor also creates space for joy in therapeutic work. As you move through the tough stuff and learn new ways of handling it, you can have really ecstatic moments. I have them with clients all of the time, then they ask me if we are really, “Doing therapy,” since they are having fun. The answer is: Hell yes! All feelings and experiences are welcome here; this is your space to feel however you feel and experience whatever you need to experience, hope, joy and humor included.

If you are ready to experience a different way of doing therapy, connect with me here. 

- Lauren, HHT